Here in Toronto we are experiencing luscious delightful Summer-like weather…t-shirts and flip flops abound. Leaves unfurling, toes uncurling, shoulders relaxing in the warm breeze. Perfect weather ~ not too hot not too cold, juuuuuust right. Trees are fluffy. I sit here on my balcony feeling the Spring fever.
Surrender…there is something so beautifully uncomplicated about this action, like breathing, the breath in…& out…in…& out…in…& out…it’s an action I often forget to employ…like breathing, where I often find myself holding my breath. I think this means I’m “thinking” too much, not being in the present moment. I think surrendering is letting go of thoughts of future or past, becoming undone, open chested to the here and now. Letting what will be be. Allowing yourself to go with the flow and cease grasping onto something we believe is solid.
I’ve been wrapped up in thought of late. Worrying my mind about the future specifically in regards to my choice to return to school to study Massage Therapy. The first of two prerequisite courses begins this Tuesday evening…panic has had me in it’s grip when I think about having to write the mid-term and final. I fear I’m not smart enough to learn Physiology and Anatomy… I haven’t even started the prerequisites and already I’m writing myself off! What happened to the gung ho gal who set out to raise public funds for these pre courses because she wouldn’t settle for waiting another year to enter the program?? Now that I’m faced with the truth of moving forward I’m paralyzing myself with fearful thinking. This paralysis has imprisoned me the past two weeks…which I think is why I haven’t been out shooting with my Nikon or writing blog posts.
Yet today something’s changed. Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe it’s because a dear friend of mine came to visit yesterday, we’ve known each other for over 25 years. She doesn’t live here in the city. In fact I don’t have any friends here in the city who have known me for this long, they’re all back east in Halifax where I grew up. Anyway, point is, I think being with her reminded me of who I am, who I’ve been, where I’ve gone and come back from. Took me out of my closed inner world stepped me out into the sunshine where I could just be. No pressure just being.
I’ve always struggled with believing in myself. I flip flop between confidence and insecurity. I’ll take stock of what I haven’t done, who I’m not as opposed to what I have, who I am. I have always based my self-worth and esteem on “doing”.
I’m rambling. All I know is I feel better today. I feel excited to begin my course, to be standing here on the threshold of a new path…maybe it’s the new bra I bought yesterday LOL who knows!
The why is really of no consequence. I’m here, I surrender and it feels like breathing…like the human “being” I am. I’m not even going to reread before I publish. This just is…surrendering.
Peace, love & light,